The Man/The Suit.

The usual bright yellow sign greeted me, along with it’s happy, tinkling melody as I entered my workplace. It read “WELCOME” in bold, bright yellow capital letters on a light blue background, bordered by blinking LED lights in any colour imaginable. It was a cheerful sight to behold and like most people, I would have been delighted to see it. But for the fact that I see it almost everyday. And that it was just as cheerful regardless of whether I felt like I had just struck the jackpot in the lottery or killing myself. It was somewhere in between today. I felt immune to the happiness which was radiating from the sign. I passed the carousel at the entrance and the new attraction -an overpowering and threatening metal skeleton they called the Speed Demon- and reached my real workplace. A sign read “STAFF ONLY”. I took no heed of it and entered.

The clock read 8.43. Today my “operator” (I call him that because I don’t know what other word to use) was 13 minutes late. I have learnt to tell the time from the big, round-faced clock facing the shelf where I am stored every night. My operator doesn’t need much time to get ready. He does not chatter with the other employees. He kept to himself, like he does everyday. He looked expressionless, but inside, he is bursting with them; jokes, criticism of the government, what he saw when he was coming to work. It was a mask. My operator is painfully shy. He does not have many friends, and is mere acquaintances with the people here. He interacts with humans mostly through me. I am his best friend. I cannot see his face when he is operating me but I can feel his heart, tell his mood, when he feels something. Most of the days, he doesn’t reveal much, not even to me. Today is not much different. He feels lonely.

I remove my working clothes from the shelf and start to put them on. Todd and Jimmy are sharing a joke. I long to join them but I haven’t gotten round to doing it. Tomorrow perhaps. My working clothes consisted of a whole suit of black, with white gloves and red shorts. The head-dress consisted of cartoon rat’s face, with huge ears that seemed to be waving hello at everyone. The suit is my best friend. He laughs and cries with me. The gigantic ears are great listeners, when I need a friend to hear out my problems. The big smile is the only answer it gives me, and not sarcastic replies which some of my friends in the past had given me. It doesn’t leave for heaven suddenly, like the way Jeannie did 4 years ago.

I feel myself becoming slightly damp as I absorb my operator’s sweat. It’s a tough job, having to carry my heavy frame around, waving and handing out balloons to little children. It is the only time I can move. He always lightens up when he is surrounded by children who want to get close to him and love him. Or me. I am just the exterior. Inside, I am him.

The suit is starting to get heavy with my sweat. But I ignore it. It is my only medium of reaching out and communicating with strangers. When I make the children happy, I get happier. But this feeling is fleeting. That is why I quit programming computer software and took up this job. To experience the feeling of fleeting happiness. I could not do it face to face. My previous job made sure of that. So everyday, I come to work to feel happy. These days, the effects have dwindled. Perhaps happiness is like a drug. The more you take, the lesser the effects and the more of it you need. I hand out a balloon to a little girl. She laughs, my suit grins and I manage a rueful smile.

It is a long day at work. My operator sometimes doesn’t stop for lunch. When he does, he does at exactly 1.30. And he hides away from the little people he makes so happy. He does not want them to see his real face. And that the cute rat(that’s me) is actually a not a cute rat but just a man in the rat’s suit. Children actually believe he is me. In a way, he is. As they grow up, this childlike innocence is lost. In place of it is skepticism and they think that we are a product of childishness. The do not remember the past, where the man in the suit has made them happy. They came here and learnt how to numb sadness. Over time, they also numb happiness. I think I am rather philosophical for a suit.

9.30. The rides are closing and I am coming to the end of my working hours. The Ferris wheel slows down and stops. The teacups stop dancing. The stream of people is flowing towards the exit. I go against the stream, back to my workplace. I remove my suit with some reluctance and place it on the bench. My human interaction skills drop tenfold. Todd and Jimmy are going for a drink and I bid them goodbye. All hail my interaction skills. Unwillingly, my mind drifts back to 4 years ago, when I had a real human for a friend. Now, it is the only one I can hug, laugh and cry with.

A tear escapes the eye of my operator and drops onto my eye. My vision is blurred for a moment, then the tear rolls down my plastic cheek. I look like I am crying for him. Perhaps, I am. Perhaps, I am crying for myself. Because inside, I am him. I do not know the character of which I am moulded to look like. In my dreams, I dance inside the magical castle of the cartoon rat. But when I awake, reality is still cruel. I am helpless without him. And maybe he is helpless without me.

"A younger me found solace; solace in the hidden things,
things that were never what they seemed, seeing these things as dreams."


there's the man whose vizard stands strong
a cacophony of puzzled faces
so he can do no wrong
he hides away from all their gazes

there's the man whose mask is broken
what can God do now that
all his hopes from him are stolen
he's trapped in limbo and in lull.

a masquarade how grand this is
all closed gates are finally opened
all can see through the heavy mist
there's the man whose mask is broken

his emotions are never dull
his face is neither short or long
his mask can be a single smile
there's the man whose vizard stands strong

The Speed Demon

Theodore Miller sat serenely on the wooden bench next to the refreshments stand. Sean had wanted to ride the Speed Demon. 70 year old Theodore had decided to give it a miss. He wouldn’t have been allowed on anyway. The attendants would point at the signs saying people with heart problems were not allowed. Who said all old people had heart problems? Secretly however, Theodore decided he wouldn’t risk it anyway, even though he would have loved to try.

He gazed up at the structure that was the Speed Demon. His eyes followed the cars long ascent, the dip and corkscrew, the sharp turns, another ascent, another dip, the double loop and finally the climax of the roller coaster. A slow climb, designed to slowly inject a sense of anticipation and fear into the riders, a brief stop at the peak, then a huge 40m, near vertical drop. Screams. Of both fear and delight. Finally, a gradual slowing down. To allow the riders to regain enough composure to steady their jelly legs no doubt. No wonder the attendants pointed at the signs with such vigour. The huge metal structure looked imposing. Theodore decided to take a short nap…

Sean Miller eagerly waited his turn in the queue. Next! Called the attendant. Sean clambered onto his seat, waiting in anticipation. Of what the ride would give him. The hydraulic protective belts came down. Sean grabbed the belt tightly. The cars jerked and began moving forward, slowly but surely.

Theodore felt the hydraulic protective belts clamp him down onto the seat. Did the attendants let me in? Didn’t I decide not to risk it? It doesn’t matter anymore. Too late for regrets…

The Long Ascent;

Sean scanned the surroundings nervously. He felt his heart thumping against his chest, not unlike the bongos he had watched the East African tribesman play while watching Discovery Channel with grandpa. Ah, there he was. On the bench beside the refreshment stands. The carousel was merrily turning not far away. Little kids surrounded a giant cartoon mouse, waving at him, trying to get his attention, and hopefully a helium filled balloon…

Theodore was surprisingly calm when the car began moving up. He knew what it felt like. He had taken roller coasters many times in his days of being a thrill seeking youth. Not unlike Sean. He smiled. This long ascent was somewhat like his childhood. A long learning process of gaining experience. The car stopped. Only for a fraction of a second.

The Dip;

Sean didn’t know what to expect. He closed his eyes and screamed with wild abandon. He felt his heart in his mouth. But the screaming helped…

Theodore knew what was coming next. He screamed. It helped keep his heart from jumping into his mouth. He wondered when the first time he felt like that was. When he failed his major examinations. He wondered what his parents would say. The feeling wasn’t too far away…

The Corkscrew;

Sean was wildly jerked left, going 5 full circles. He totally lost sight of his surroundings. That was something new. He wondered what his grandpa would say when he told him…

Grandpa didn’t need Sean to tell him. He spun 5 full circles, briefly losing his bearings. Then he was upright. There was the refreshment stand, the bench he thought he was sitting on. An old man was asleep on the bench. He was wearing a white polo t-shirt and khaki pants. What a coincidence…

The Sharp Turns;

The cars were traveling at high speeds now. There was a wild turn left, jerking Sean towards the right, then suddenly a turn in the opposite direction. Sean’s body was like a rag doll, tossed around effortlessly by the turns.

Theodore felt himself being pushed left and right. It was a bit like his first few years in the society, an inexperienced young man, ready to take on the world. But the world was ready to take on him as well. Now he knew what he had to do…

The Big Climb;

The cars slowed down. Sean was already confused from his body being tossed around, not to mention a little nauseous. Has the ride ended? He felt himself being pressed back onto his seat. Another climb…

Theodore knew the slowing down of the cars was but brief respite from what was about to come. Life never gives you many breaks. Not even when you are taking a ride…

The Climax;

The cars paused momentarily at the peak of the climb. The scenery was breathtaking. But Sean Miller wasn’t to know. His eyes were clamped tightly shut, not daring to look. He felt himself leaning forwards, then a feeling of his heart jumping up his throat again. He screamed because it helped. He hoped his heart wouldn’t drop out…

Theodore Miller felt the wind in his face. He couldn’t open his eyes as the wind was too strong. He felt himself zooming past the sights he caught at the peak of the Speed Demon. The carousel, the Ferris wheel, the refreshments stand, the spinning tea-cups. He had lost sight of all of them, even though he knew they were there. He felt oddly calm…

The Gradual Slowdown;

Sean had calmed down. He felt the cars moving slower and slower, towards the place where it had set out from. Grandpa had to hear what he had to say.

Theodore felt the cars slowing down, and saw the cars moving towards the place where it had set out from. He saw the blackness of the entrance. Like a blackhole sucking the stars in…

The End;

The hydraulic pumps let out air rapidly, freeing the seatbelts. Sean took a tentative step out of the car. That was fast. He certainly didn’t feel that way on the seat. But now that he had gotten off, he felt that he could do it one more time. Well, no time for that. He went to look for grandpa, on the bench by the refreshments area. He had so much to say. Sean Miller made his way to the bench. There he was. Sean saw grandpa with his eyes closed and a serene smile on his face.

Hey! Grandpa!

___________________________________________________________________

"as a child my thoughts would run; free like flowers in their bloom,
from the deepest darkest swamps, to the white-lit coloured moon."

gradually the gradient steepens,
and i know there's no return.
in me, all my spirits broken,
yet by beauty i am smitten.
smitten by the lifeless peak,
of lavender flower reek.

looking down on all creation,
i wish my seat; the carousel station.
the stop.
and similar fashion; the gradual tension.

built upon a foundation wing,
spurts of terror spit within.
down the slippery railroad slide,
arose a lie of boundless flight.

tis' closest to death i've ever been,
tis' the most of life i've ever seen.

after the drop a treasured moment,
life has never been this sweet.
a honeyed gumdrop as a token,
tis' synthetic death was breached.

more potent than the birth of new life,

more binding than those rainbow lights-

is the journey of the train that cries,
is the ride of the speed demon's strife.

The Carousel

Lighthearted melodies tinkled through the air. The old centrepiece of the amusement park was as always, situated beside the refreshments stand. It was standard amusement park fare- hot dogs, popcorn, cotton candy. Little boys and girls pestered their parents for a ride on the carousel. The queues were no longer like they were before the "Speed Demon" was built. But the little children always came back, longing for another round in the little world of happiness.

Ace was the 7^th horse on the outside row of the roundabout. Of course, one could never tell where the 7^th row was, since the roundabout moved about in circles. But since Ace was 6 rows behind the horse with a number 1 proudly painted on its side, he was assumed to be on the 7^th row.

Ace loved his job on the 7^th row. He was never really at the same position. When the turnstiles turned, eager little children clambered onto the various horses of the roundabout, Ace included. When the music played, he pranced up and down, he twisted left and right, but not so much as to scare the little boy or girl riding on his bright blue wooden back. Ace always took extra care of his “passengers”. Ace loved to see the little children on his back waving to the sea of smiling faces beyond the turnstiles. Beyond the turnstiles, was a world Ace longed to see and explore.

The little boy wanted to ride on the bright blue horse. He pestered his mother to let him have a ride on the carousel. The other kids are all riding on it, he reasoned. His mother finally relented. He grinned from ear to ear as he went through the turnstiles and clambered onto the back of the bright blue horse. The music began to play…

When the music started, the boy was filled with delight and wonderment. This was the best time he had in his short 5 years. He went up and down, just a little left and right, around and around. He waved to his mother each time he passed her…

Ace was filled with happiness. He was happy because the little boy on his back was happy. He carried the boy up and down, just a little left and right, around and around. When the boy’s mother came into view, Ace leapt as high as he could. And as in previous times, it was just low enough not to let him look over the turnstiles. Ace tried anyway, just in case he succeeded one day.

Ace did not have wings, but the little boy was flying when he rode on Ace’s bright blue back. Ace pranced round and round and round to the happy music, all the cares in the world forgotten.

The music slows down, softens, stops…

The boy reluctantly climbs off the bright blue back. He turns around and waves goodbye at Ace. That is the outside world to Ace. He wonders if there are many little children like the boy beyond the turnstile. The little boy holds his mothers hand. Together, they make their away from the carousel.

The lighthearted music tinkles through the air. The old centrepiece of the amusement park as always, sits beside the refreshments stand. The bright lights are flashing and the carousel is turning. On the outside 7^th row of the roundabout, a bright blue horse prances. Of course, one could never tell where the 7^th row was, since the roundabout moved about in circles. But since the blue horse was 6 rows behind the horse with number 1 painted on its side, he was assumed to be on the 7^th row. He prances up and down, just a little left and right so as not to scare the little girl on his back, and around and around. He always takes extra care of his “passengers”. He was the key to their dreams, like they were the key to his…
___________________________________________________________________

"as a kid i grew up thinking, why the horses all kept moving.
moving without rhyme nor reason, stops and go's at every season."

The Start;

not any colt is spared from spearing,
crucified by cruel means.
it's mane; painted gold with fury,
and it's saddle; saddened dreams.

It Moves;

the lifeless body trudges boldly on,
to reach it's final grazing meadow now.
hooves lift heavily to Pegasi in the skies,
an enchantment cursed for and ever shall it prowl.

what fills the royal carousel ?
what makes the horses move ?
a gentle laughter from a child,
without the guilt to disapprove.

It Stops;
At Last-

not any colt is spared from spearing,
crucified by cruel means.
it's mane; painted gold with fury,
and it's saddle; saddened dreams.

not any child is spared from it,
the passing of time in years.
the untainted golden melody,
is but a roundabout of tears.